I am next

I go through these intense phases every once in a while. I feel restless, tied down and angry at nobody and anything in particular. I feel moody, depressed and listless. I find it hard to concentrate on work or feel happy about anything in my life.

Last time this happened I was 24 going on 25. Hoping I’d be married some day. Hoping some person will like me enough to agree to spend the rest of his life waking up beside me. All that hoping was taking a toll. Each time I craved change, not knowing how to handle it, I changed jobs. The newness of it all carried me for a few months when the itch would start again. I would longingly see couples walk, hands linked and wish and hope for that kind of happiness.

Now I am 32 going on 33. The feelings are the same. The intense need for a child. I look around and every one I know seems to have a toddler they are running behind. I long and wish and hope and wear myself out in the process. I am tired of waiting. Tired of hoping this month will be the one. Tired of thinking if each twinge and spot of blood could be a symptom. As my period nears I am anxious, strung out and weepy. I dread seeing the blood. Dread knowing my body failed me again.

This time around I don’t want to change jobs. I feel stuck. Like a deer in the headlights. Staring unblinking. All I can think of is When? How? and Why me? If am particularly cheerful, my mind wonders how I would react if I did get pregnant. Would I whoop with joy? Would I cry? Would I be scared? At other times my mind searches for names for my unborn child. A girl at times and a boy at others. Then there are the sad phases when the question repeats in my mind like a broken record. Why me? Why me indeed?

I dread talking to friends if I know they are trying and they hope to be pregnant soon. I can no longer take the news. I smile and try to be happy for them. Some time later in the privacy of my bathroom. I break. Into a hundred million pieces of a sobbing me. Till my eyes swell red and look bruised. Till my insides hurt so bad that I curl up and close my eyes.

And so life goes on.

Three months back, I was not sure if I would have persisted with the twice weekly sessions at over 60$ per session. Talking to my acupuncturist, I was not sure if she understood all that I had been through. In medical terms and in psychological terms. As the weeks passed and I grew comfortable with her treatment method, I looked forward to my sessions with her.

She would start with looking at my tongue and check my pulse on both wrists. She would the gently inquire about how I have been since the last time I saw her. While she gave no indication of what was wrong with me in TCM terms or if I was making any progress, I learned to probe and find out what I wanted. I invested in the book “The Infertility Cure” by Randine Lewis and discussed what I understood with her.

I could correlate what she did with me against what Randine said in her book. I realized she knew what she was doing. These past couple of weeks, she has finally said I am making progress. She believes my body is healing itself. She also thinks I will become pregnant naturally.

This feels like some kind of astrological prediction to me. I have no clue how much longer i can afford to do this. Another couple of months is what I am thinking. Time will tell.

The highlights of each session to me are the deeply relaxing sleep like state I go into in the one hour I am there. The opportunity to let go of my hopes and disappointments and have someone else carry it for me even if for a little while and most of all the feeling I am actively doing something about getting pregnant.

The person I go to for my twice weekly acupuncture sessions feels I am making progress and that I have a great chance of getting pregnant on my own. The catch is, I had mentally made up my mind to go for clomid + IUI this following cycle. Truth is Acupuncture is expensive. Each additional cycle of acupuncture means another 550$. I am not sure what I want to do. Trust in her and give it one more month to see if anything earth shattering happens or give into my distrust and opt for clomid + IUI + acupuncture.

I admit my cycle length has become longer, my menses itself has changed subtly in terms of color and length. I am hesitant to dismiss this yet wary of waiting one more cycle.

I feel confused. I want to believe what she says and wait it out. I am also scared of waiting too long.

Another week before I have to make my decision.

Each year this day comes and passes and I view it with envy and longing. Wishing for a year when it would be my turn. When will it happen?

As DH and I had one of our regular disagreements. I stood upstairs weeping my heart out. I waited for him to ask me what was wrong or just come upstairs and give me a hug. It did not happen. Washing my face and getting used to the coldness permeating my inside, I was putting away the clothes when he appeared. He stood defiantly, at a distance arguing some more. I felt tired like never before.

Going for a walk by myself I wondered. If only we had a child would our lives be different? Would these silly misunderstandings be trivial in our grand perspective. Would the raising of a child divert our energies towards a common channel. Even as these thoughts rose and fell in my mind, I realized I was seeing years into the future. If we did not have a child. This was my life. The mundane-ness of it all. The same old house work, professional lives and the occasional holiday. Without a child to hold us together, I am looking at a lifetime of silly fights and empty evenings.

This past week has been pretty down and depressing for me. Wednesday I had a melt down. Every time I try to cling on to hope, there is cold depressing thought that may be we are not meant to be parents. Ever. It breaks my heart. May be this is finally when I am coming to terms with the fact that infertility is real. There is no wishing it away. Each time I see a Mom’s day ad on TV. I feel sad, lost and desolate. I wonder if ever someone will call me that.

What bothers me at times is that DH does not seem to experience the sense of loss I feel. He seems to be pretty balanced and accepting of the fact that it might just be the two of us. For life.

I try and tell myself that I need to feel positive and hope that acupuncture will work. The IUI’s we have planned next will work. Some day we will see those two pink lines.

My heart cries out. When???

A little history before I write updates on a regular basis. DH and I are married for close to seven years now. When we did decide we were ready to start a family five years ago, we hardly imagined the kind of turns our lives would take. As friends around me started talking of pregnancy, I naively believed I would in turn be a mom and be part of that sacred club. Years passed me by. From buying my first BBT to now, its been a long journey of which the one constant has been the Internet.

From starting as a resource to understanding the basics of baby making to being a confidante, friend and an inexhaustible supply of information I rely on the web for everything.

After a harrowing year and a half that saw me undergo three clomid IUIs, 2 fresh IVF cycles I gave it all up in a fit of despair. Alternating between being morbidly obese and obese, I experience huge mood swings and fits of depression. Experimenting with diets and alternative healing methods, I have finally settled on a life of no diets and acupuncture and chinese medicine for now. I intend to embark on the IUI route next cycle which will start end of May.

This blog will be my company as I do this all over again.